Out of the Curmudgeon's Closet

Croaking at its best.

This week a thread of irritation has run through much of what is bothering me. The first is the newest brain fart coming out of the bowels of our nation's marketing establishment. Have you noticed that the newest trend is to have young, nubile and frog-throated women explain your product to the world? I first noticed this inclination when I called Gateway 2000 on a service call. I could not help but notice that running throughout each digital menu I was forced to navigate was a voice so full of flem I thought a good neck wringing might help dislodge the intruding clog.

Over the next few months I had far too many annoying occasions when this same voice ended up on my radio and television hawking the wares that I was beginning to wish I had never bought. The next incarnation of this marketing demon was with chain drug stores. Payless, now Rite Aid, added their croakmistress several months ago. Most recently it has been Drug Emporium joining the fray, and though I withhold final judgement this lady has got to have a serious medical problem. I think she should have an immediate tracheotomy to investigate her problem and that Drug Emporium's marketing experts need to go to a shrink if they think that this lady will make me rush to their store.

Contemporary madness.

Contemporary is a word that has in recent years stolen the space that a more wisely chosen adjective could have used. What is the meaning of contemporary? My dictionary lists the definition as, "having to do with the present age." I believe this meaning has been stretched to a position of absurdity. Not every oddity to humankind can be considered to have much to do with the current age. Example: In recent years every hobo-looking and acting moron on the face of the earth has been deemed "contemporary."

This choice, I assume, is because of the grunge-rock fad. My argument against using this pigeonholing technique is easily given and persuasive. How long a period of time can we use a time warp to classify what might previously have been known as a bum as a cool, grunge dude. I say time was up on that gig more than a short while ago. Contemporary is a word that must be used with great caution. So I charge you with the moral conviction to stop this atrocity when you see it. Confront any labeling of grunge as being inaccurate, and then look with suspicion upon any person using contemporary as an adjective. If you are a very brave soul you might suggest a more precise word, I assure you one will be apparent upon a cursory examination.

A job for the unusually named.

Another bit of knowledge that flashed across the laggard synapses of this curmudgeon was a realization that the only real absolute to being the Secretary General of the United Nations is that you must have a very bizarre name. Over the last few weeks I am sure that you recall the efforts of the UN in Baghdad. Of course this brought to the fore the man that we all counted on to get the Iraqi's to comply with UN resolutions. His name, if you recall, sounds a bit like an establishment of a twelve-step program to deal with a caffeine addiction. You know the name "coffee anon." And then you must remember the man whose name I fell in love with for a few years, Mr. Boutros-Boutros Ghali, what a ring to that name. I remind you about this matter so that if you have a totally strange name you might now consider applying for the next opening in the United Nations.

All the best from our elected officials.

And finally, the foremost, real-news item of this week. A bill is being considered in Mississippi's state congress to take the limb of any person in possession of Marijuana. To be totally sane and humane, however, they will let the defendant pick the limb. I think I will soon move to that state, it seems as though they have some bright individuals running for office there.

Drumming.

A couple of thoughts were driving me crazy this week. It took a bit of time to ferment these questions that came to mind out of the news reports over the Iraqi matter. Maybe you can help me. Why do we drum up support? And when we have gotten our support why do they fall into line? We drum and then they fall. Where do they fall from and why did it take a drum to make them fall? Please, if you have the answers to these questions send them to me.

Parking spot placement.

I recently had the chore of doing some clothes shopping, not one of my favorite things. This writer knows a bit about carrying some weight around so I ended up at my local "Big man's" store. Upon arriving in the strip mall of my choice and pulling up to my store I commented to my wife that it seemed the only wheel chair parking for the whole area was directly in front of this store. I motored a ways away and parked in a neighboring lot and went about my business.

It wasn't until later that I started putting my tortured reasoning about this parking situation to work. First of all, I understand that carrying around extra weight could wear out my body sooner. So logic goes that maybe I should question that these parking places were put in this location in anticipation of its wounded clientele. Or, as is sometimes the case, the mall was built and this franchise chose to move in at a later time. If so, tell me why they chose that location. Am I being too sensitive? Am I taking conspiracy theory to an Oliver Stone level? I think not.

TV Analysis

I have often fancied myself a brilliant TV analyst. I have stated with faith all of my opinions as to what the American public watches and what they should watch. And now I find myself having a need to put forth another of my insights. There has been a show running for over a year now that is flat-out a producer's fondest dream. This show should never have made it if stripped down to the basics.

In nearly every show someone is dying. In each show we are given a moral of the story that is so repetitious it is now my own friendly nickname for the show, "God loves you." I think it is a wonderful message, but the point here is that it is this one and only directive that hinges the entire show, remember I am looking at this from a producers point of view which would consider longevity. Now if we get by these programming nightmares we have more to overcome. The show has a 1950's pace and preachy monologues tossed in at nearly every conceivable juncture. Wait, that isn't all, we also have an Angel of Death that by necessity is in every episode to deal with the individual that has a death sentence that week. Watching the show I wonder if it is the chicken or the egg. Is the dying person created to let us have our weekly dose of our angel or is the angel created because the writers of the show have an addiction to tear jerking in their audience?

By now you must all realize that I am talking about "Touched by an Angel." Millions of viewers watch the show each week and the cast was reported to have been given substantial monetary rewards for their popularity. But again I think it is the producers who deserve the rewards here. The casting of this show is another dazzling show of savvy. Isn't it true that the American public have a tendency to adore a European actress with a lilting accent? And a blond, good looking man as the Angel of Death if not an oxymoron is just plain clever. Finally there has been a tradition in fiction that shows up from time to time when dealing with matters of the heart. It seems we also have a partiality to follow older, dark-skinned women into battle against the evil within or without.

What can I say? This show dear to our hearts is a heavenly tribute to television producing at its finest.

Oh, man that's a bomb.

Our youth have again chosen to do something which astounds me. This took place in my area of the country Seattle, Washington. The occasion, an 18th birthday party for one of our female high school students. The minds at work here decided to celebrate in one of the many time-worn traditions in the world, they decided to have a costume party. This was a special party though, they called it a Pimps and Prostitutes party. Each individual had to come dressed to play the part of one of these magnanimous role models of our time. Additionally the parents of the group offered to purchase motel rooms and liquor for the celebrants. This certainly would pass along the highest of values. I just do not understand how I became the person I am without the enforcement of the morals that this incident was sure to instill in the youngsters.

Odd item of the moment.

Item: Tacoma. Washington -- A man working for "Red Hot Tree Surgery" was electrocuted when he fell a tree into a nearby power line